Basically every one of the roadie ones applies to me. Except the cap.
When the off season starts:
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home…
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall?
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She actually went on my road bike…
Sergeant:
What kind of bike was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
It’s a new 2019 Cervelo S5 Ultegra Road Bike with a Cervelo All-Carbon S5 Frame, Cervelo All-Carbon, tapered S5 fork, FSA IS2 1x1/8 - 1x3/8-inch, Cervelo Ultra Light Alloy Stem, Cervelo, Aero AB04, Shimano Ultegra R8000 52/36 Groupset with 11 Speed, BBB Bottomfit BBO-72, PF30 Threaded, The aerodynamic design continues with the Cervelo S5 seatpost and Aero AB04 handlebars, across the finishing kit of the bike. A top quality Fizik Antares R7 saddle provides the perfect perch for commanding this. Using Mavic Cosmic Elite clincher wheels for a robust and smooth ride quality and Yksion Elite 25mm tyres for outstanding grip… (continues to cry).
Sergeant:
Don’t worry mate. We’ll find your bike.
Dying from laughter. 
That’s not funny and essentially those would be fighting words! Like man code, there is cycling code and that’s something you NEVER do.
Reminds me of this 
Wow, the shipping to the USA is a bargain, only $400. 
Hilarious!
Some pretty funny stuff from the land of the winter cycling: The lies cyclists tell - Canadian Cycling Magazine
https://www.instagram.com/p/B2zQacTA6Xg/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
I think I found Pete Morris’ next chainset
