My hope here is that you’ll find at least one useful tidbit somewhere here in the below.
I discussed this a bit on a recent podcast. Podcast host is not an endurance athlete, and the episode was mostly geared towards “how to lose weight / fat” but I spent a good chunk of the time trying to encourage folks to consider that maybe they’ve lost enough already and that the tradeoffs of losing further weight FAR outweigh any benefits, if there truly are any. Once you’re there you’re better off just focusing on fueling maximally for your training quality.
My advice you to you personally, definitely consider working with a counselor who is very well versed in disordered eating. There is a FANTASTIC thread on that in TR that I considered linking to the day that you posted this but didn’t want to come off accusational. I think it would be a beneficial read at least as a bunch of “FYI.”
Here is the thread beginning:
Here is my contribution in that thread:
I have been amazed and humbled at what I have been able to learn from my own personal experiences with professional psychological counseling. I always considered myself very introspective, reflective, and calculated and thusly disregarded the idea that I might find much benefit from working with a counselor.
I have a referral link for you to save money on a CBT-based online practice. It is the one that I personally benefited from and have recommended to my family and closest friends. Full disclosure: I gain $100 cash in my PayPal account for every person who joins through this link… which I quickly spend on my counseling with Sofia, who I would recommend broadly. (I have no financial incentive for recommending her. She’s just amazing.
I’m not sure whether CBT is the most evidenced based for disordered eating specifically, especially if the restrictive thoughts, feelings, etc, stem from any history of trauma. DBT may serve trauma-based disordered eating better… but also not sure there. An RD specializing in endurance sports and disordered eating may also be a useful resource, but I suspect that most would refer out to a counselor first.