I jumped into a solo TT from the back on the first hill

My first club race of the year. I am about 1.5 months late and was not going to race with the club at all but changed my mind 2 weeks ago. We don’t have a lot of sanctioned races up here and I did not want to spend $195 for a race license and insurance. A club member clued me in and I got setup for around $55 but I cannot ride any sanctioned events with this.

Here are my notes I wrote in the truck after the race.

It was the ride I was meant to have.

  1. Warmup before race. 2 hours before using a hardish TR workout does not count. (Oops)
  2. Listen to instructions so you don’t do an extra 3-5 km. (Nope, I thought I would stay with the 3rd group and thought I knew where I was going)
  3. Take it easy on yourself. Do your best and don’t give up (check)
  4. Try and get some sleep here and there and fuel after trainer ride 2 hours before. (Nope, was too busy and did not eat today, also I barely sleep)
  5. Enjoy the fact that you were lucky enough to participate, enjoy the ride and be happy with the result! (Check!)

About me. 53 years old and for the last 6 months I have been dealing with a few injuries and have had a time of it with depression, anxiety, stress and harassment from work. I have also had about 50 concussions in my life that were mostly sports related. My record is three concussions in one game. After the second and third I puked and then rested about 3 minutes and then went back into the game(those were the days). I have been using food as a comfort tool and have averaged 4-5 hours a night of broken sleep for months. Many times I have woken in the middle of the night in a rage after dreaming about my harassment at work.

I am Metis or indigenous and have aspergers and trauma based depression. These issues have caused a heck of a lot of issues with my wife and kids. I had no idea the trauma I faced from 1-16. I thought it was just life. I have been on this journey of revealing the past for a few months now and am connecting the dots of who or what I am. It was only this Saturday that I had a chat with my middle child and discovered how much my issues have affected her. It was absolutely crushing. I could not handle it at all. I copped out and decided to walk home from the event. I walked for 6.5 hours and 31 km’s. The police picked me up with about 15km and 3 hours to go as they thought I was a fricking idiot to be out for a walk on the highway at 12:30 in the morning. It was not until the next day that I figured out how correct they were. My brain actually rationalized it out that it was a normal thing to do. I was sabotaging myself again.

I have an ftp of 261 and a weight of 228 lbs (it was 235 last week.) Last year my ftp was 290 and I weighed 200 lbs.

I sure felt like quitting the first 29 minutes but I did not come close. My heart rate was pegged most of the ride. It did not come down much at all.

The heart rate max I have in all my apps is 167. It seems I hit 175 tonight… Should I update my apps settings???

I am a little frustrated with tonight however the last 2 races I rode out to as zone 2 rides as I did not want to race. I was going to do the same tonight but luckily changed my mind.

I am pleased about it and glad I did it.

I think I am looking forward to the next race :wink:

here is the ride in TR

I am working at being a happier, healthier and faster rider in that order.

I am getting a lot of help. I have a psychologist who is ok(but we don’t really seem to be getting anywhere.) I am about to join a trauma based therapy program(looking forward to it!). I have quit my meds I use cycling and exercise to manage my dopamine needs) as they were making me a zombie with no drive or desire to do anything (also I was gaining a shitload of weight with them). I have also found a very smart guy that works with people outside of official programs. He has multiple degrees including sports psychology and right now he is the one directing most of my learning on ME(I am very thankful on this).

My Garmin says I am supposed to have 4 days recovery from this race. I will try not to ride tomorrow and hit the weights and do some stretching instead… Or Ill hit recess on the trainer and watch stage 16 of the Giro… :wink: It will probably be recess and the Giro lol…

Why this message and all the sharing? I have been very embarrassed and ashamed of my mental issues and situation for a long time. As a very young child I was never good enough, smart enough, or actually accepted. I was over a year ahead in school and I was a runt who was very different and got pounded on until grade 7. My parents basically completely neglected me.

I do not want any sympathy or anything at all because of this post. Many people including members of this forum have had things so much worse than me.

All I am saying is that this is who I am. I am just another person on this earth like all of you. And that is good enough(still working on this!!!).

If anyone has experienced similar things as what I have raised I would recommend reading “What happened to you.” It is by Oprah (I wasn’t really a fan) and a brilliant psychiatrist. It looks at the life events that happened to you instead of what is wrong with you( something I have been told for many many years). This and other books that my coach has directed me to have been a savoir along with his help.

If anyone needs any info please feel free to send me a message.

Ride On!