Have you ever tried racing purely in a support role?
Many people put high of expectations on results when racing. Even though we logically understand that cycling is not like ball sports where half the players win, it is hard to internalize this
As a result they end up putting huge pressure on themselves to win, podium, etc. These things can be outside of your control in most disciplines, thus a common refrain is to focus on process vs outcome goals
One way to facilitate this mindset transition is to racing entirely in support of a teammate
Some of my finest racing memories are my own results, but my very best remembered races were the ones where I did everything I could to help the team. In some of these they finished well, in others they didn’t, but it didn’t matter
I could write an essay on my love-but-mostly-hate relationship with racing. I admire those not who come first, but those who seem to be able to compete for fun, and love every minute of it. I have tried everything to be like that but had to admit I was never going to be one of those people.
For me, years of being badly bullied as a fat child cannot be undone with a bit of sports pyschology and a ‘lighten up, it’s just a bike race’ mentality.
Hi all. I wanted to give it a bit for my mind to settle out of the acute feeling I was having before I replied.
It’s hard to message everyone who has offered their thoughts, but I do genuinely appreciate a lot of well-meant and non-judgemental advice. Particularly those who have experienced similar things like @JoPage@Eddy_Twerckx@grwoolf.
I think the one thing I have probably not said in my original post; in some ways because I was in the grips of this sensation was that there have been times when I have absolutely loved the experience during a race. Trying to hold Ilnur Zakarin’s wheel on a 20 minute climb in Cyprus and then sprinting with friends in the small dropped group. Cat-and-mousing all day long with another rider for the GC at Roc D’Azur (only to get shown up by Jordan Sarrou)
I note here that the good experiences have mostly been ones where I’ve been with friends and can relive the experience. I just find the time before the race - up until the race properly gets going - so unpleasant that it colours everything else, even in retrospect.
@jlsazart and @trpnhntr. These races are always me on my own, without friends, somewhere random around the country, going to race people I’ve never met in what becomes essentially a nervy 90 minute solo max effort. There is no social aspect. Everyone is edgy, hypercompetitive and often unpleasant (will shout at you or physicaly block you if you overtake). My good friend asked if I fancied doing a few fun easy crits with him this summer, and I felt none of this anxiety. I suspect this is becuase I would be doing the race for positive reasons, rather than for points, ranking or ego. XCO is particularly bad for this as every single race starts with a 3-5 minute max VO2 effort and bar-to-bar elbows out bullshit, so there’s the anticipation of pain as well!
@Morzak@FeltZ4@JSTootell . My partner has bought me a few books on sport psychology, and I really do need to properly read them and try and make some changes. The last time I felt like this was when I used to rock climb, and I would get the same feeling before starting a hard trad or unprotected lead climb. I loved the climb once I had overcome this, but the preparatory anxiety would turn my stomach over into knots and I wanted to do anything else to make it go away. One thing I noticed when I struggled was that a lot of this was anticipatory - if, for example, I had a strong partner who was happy to take the first / hardest pitch or where I knew I could depend upon them I didn’t feel the same pressure.
Why are you doing these races? You seem to be chasing some overarching goal but the individual steps towards that goal aren’t fulfilling on their own
My suggestion about racing for others doesn’t apply to the events you described in this reply, but I think you would be well served determining what you’re trying to accomplish with these events you don’t enjoy and trying to figure out if that (longer term?) goal is worth the dislike of the individual days
When I was grinding points for my cat 1 it felt like that, a grind. I didn’t hate the individual events, quite the contrary, but I did feel obligated to race a lot to get the results, which wore me down. That said, when I achieved the goal I was elated and the work was worth it for me
If your goals for these races are worth this suffering/dislike/whatever - by all means carry on. But it seems like you’re really not having fun, if it isn’t worth it then do the types of races and events you enjoy
Life is too short to choose to do something that makes you miserable
The XCO races? The truth is that I feel embarrassed by the category I’m in but over the last few years haven’t been able to bring myself to grind out enough races to get the points to upgrade to the appropriate category - for lots of reasons (some practical - like distance and how busy my life outside of racing is - but also a lot of the emotional reasons which result in me finding ways to rationalise not going- it’s too far, I should spend the time doing x or y instead - I need to focus on this upcoming exam etc etc).
If you’re lying to friends, sabotaging your race, willing to harm yourself (intentionally crashing) and this anxiety is affecting your happiness with life (from what you shared it sounds like it is) you really need to get professional help.
Many of the answers on here are mention seeking help and hopefully you can conclude that you should do this.
If you had a problem with nutrition you would likely seek a dietician’s help.
If you had a problem with your performance you would seek a coaches help.
If you had a problem with your bike fit would likely seek a bike fitters help.
If you had a problem with your bikes shifting would likely seek a mechanics help.
It should be no different for your mind.
Sounds like you know there is a problem you just need to start to work on fixing it.
Hopefully we can remove the stigma from mental health.
It sounds like the reason is to upgrade. Why do you want the higher category? Primarily to avoid embarrassment or is there some event you want to target in a new category?
I suggest you determine the why for these events before determining a path forward
Anyone that has won at a high level will agree that winning doesn’t bring you long term satisfaction, and not placing as well as you have in the past can make you feel like you’re moving backwards. But if those are the only two outcomes you see, then of course you won’t like it.
Stepping away from competition for a while, and having kids and coaching their sports teams, I have learned to love seeing others succeed as much or even more than seeing myself doing well. The moment I realized that the race is as much about everyone else as it is about me, and that there is a common bond and love of cycling that is putting us on the start line, the result on the piece of paper stopped mattering. Wins become more special, and losses don’t hurt (as bad anyway haha). Pre race anxiety turns into anticipation, and I go home happy I got to push myself to the limit another day. If you can’t be happy for your teammates or competitors when they beat you, then I think this is bigger than just bike racing.
This is not amazing but common enough and involuntary.
This is definitely not normal or a sign of good things.
This just sounds like someone who is trying to diet but then binges frequently or some other disorder that has a much larger social taboo. Crashing intentionally instead of just texting your buddies and saying “hey guys, really sorry, but I’m just not up to racing today” says a lot.
I’d definitely try to talk to someone honestly about it. A racing friend, your girlfriend, a professional therapist, or even yourself in a journal or something. Really honestly lay out your fears, hang ups, identity, etc.
But I definitely am somewhere on this same spectrum and have been in different places at different times. I can’t say I’ve ever intentionally crashed but I’ve definitely thrown up before a swimming race in high school, been super nervous before races, had my identity questioned when a result didn’t line up with expectations, questioned whether all my training time and sacrifices are a waste and I’m being selfish by doing it all, etc etc. And I think it’s all healthy and normal questions to be asking. It’s really helped to be open and honest with my wife about it.
The other thing that has helped (and I’ve really needed it now that I’m a Cat 2 and racing a ton of P12 races) is to go into races without a result goal. I honestly don’t even think about it beforehand. I think about HOW I’m going to race. Stay at the front, stay in the draft, be prepared to follow moves, etc. The goal is to race well and hopefully the result comes. But the races that I’ve performed the worst in (relative to my expectation) were ones that I was too focused on the result. I end up racing like shit and finishing poorly. And if I were to be honest with myself, it isn’t the 7th, 15th, or 45th place finish that I’m bummed about. But it’s the constant mistakes I made throughout the race that compounded the cause the bad result. But if I raced well, was in the right place for most of the race, got into good, smart moves, but just got boxed in on the last lap and didn’t finish great then ‘oh well’ that’s just bad luck and part of bike racing.
This is all something I’ve really been thinking about recently as well. IMO, a lot of my internal struggle comes down to the “part of my identity” thing. And for myself, what I’ve started to realize is that I feel the most pressure when that one part of my identity starts to take a hugely disproportionate amount of my time and energy. So let’s say that "bike racer is 33% of my identity with the other 67% being evenly split between “my work” and “my family”. But many times bike racing starts to easily take up 67% of my energy. That’s fine in short bursts but overtime the internal tension between the other parts of your identity starts to pull harder and harder to restore balance and the more you fight against it the more anguish you’ll feel.
Ironically, I feel so much better about my racing and training when I cut my 6 hour weekend ride to 3 hours and then spend the afternoon bopping around town and getting dinner with my wife. It puts the bike racing into perspective.
Sorry that got super long but hopefully it helps and maybe gives you some insight. But it’s certainly not something that is unique to you and is a huge struggle for lots of people.
As others have said, this sounds like pre-race anxiety. It’s part of the process of racing, and you either embrace it as normal or it can cripple you. If you’re an anxious person (as many endurance athletes are), it can be even worse. This sounds like you.
Learn to embrace it as normal. It’s a sign your body is gearing up to race, and that’s a good thing. Practice calming techniques like deep breathing, and get your mind off the event. Limit your caffeine intake on race days. Listen to music that calms you rather than stimulates you - you’re already plenty overstimulated.
What you described is more severe than “normal”, but the process you’re experiencing is completely normal. I think you just need to invest in controlling it a little bit.
Ultimately you should also remember that no one is forcing you to race, it doesn’t define you. You make a choice to sign up, you make a choice to join a team, you make a choice to plan to travel for events. You do those things when you’re not under the influence of pre-race anxiety, so yeah, I think you do like to race. I think you just have to practice managing the things that come with it.
All that said, the question I’d ask you is: how do you feel AFTER the races?
For me, what made me realize I wasn’t enjoying my endurance racing experience any longer was when I’d complete a race and just feel kind of empty. I could podium, and just be like “meh”, and ultimately I didn’t want to travel/drive and invest the time into my own training any longer.
Exactly. Winning won’t carry you through long term. The guys winning for years aren’t doing it simply to win, it’s just a byproduct of what actually keeps them coming back.
I find racing to be the reward for all the training. Love race day, but have taken a very casual approach to it. Start hard off the gun and see what the legs have on the day. Sometimes maybe good, some days maybe Sh*$. A good result is always nice, but some days, I’m just not feeling it, sit up a bit, then just get a hard training ride on a closed race course. More often then not, those days end with a pretty decent result, because the field started out way hard and people blow up.
I think you need to reframe the why of racing. Racing is compulsive for me, without racing, I don’t see the need to train like I do. But I train with plenty of people that trains as much or more than me and they never pin on a number.
The results are rarely the objective, the objective is to see what I am made of. How deep can I push myself, how can I find clarity in the blur of racing. Can I sit in and play the chess game right?
Maybe take some time off from racing, if you can’t fight the calling to go racing, then you clearly do like racing. Find something different, I am done with the big 100 mile races. I find no joy in being miserable for 6 to 8 hours. Now I stick to the local XCO races and cross. I will be doing the Cheq 40 again, still under 3 hours so just a longer XCO.
I have found having a lot of race days takes the pressure off. “today sucked, but I have next weekend, or this afternoon or tomorrow to see if things go better.”
While I fully quit my own competition last season, this is how I stay involved and I agree. I’m invested in my kids’ sports some, but obviously I’m still coaching others and I get as much thrill out of their successes as I did my own. I always knew I wanted to coach, and I suspect that in part was because I also always knew I wouldn’t always want to race.
For me, I love the training. This year will be doing a time trial specialisation for a change, possibly do some roadbike TT at Goodwood but no real wish to either way.
Great post, I think it’s great and something we all relate to. As a teen, I was a distance swimmer, the mile was my main focus. Before a meet, I’d have the same feeling, overwhelming dread and so much bargaining. It was awful. It’s so hard, and I was so average I’d be putting myself through the wringer just to place 10th. I remember one of my last meets thinking “I really hope I don’t make the final, because then I’ll have to swim this thing again tomorrow.” It actually made me hate swimming.
About a year after quitting swimming, I did a one mile open water mass race. I loved it. I realized I actually do like swimming, it was just that race format i hated.
I think you need to branch out a bit more. XCO kind of sucks. It’s so hyper competitive, the starts are so stressful, and the courses can get clogged. Maybe try some big XCM races, they’re way more fun and there are tons of casual participants that are just stoked to be there. And the races are so long you don’t need to be perfect.
At the end of the day, it sounds like you love biking. It just XCO racing is ruining that, which is really tragic and you should try to adapt before it kills your love of the sport. Take a break, definitely from XCO, but maybe from racing altogether. Go for an unstructured ride without your pm, hr monitor, and computer. Maybe do that for a month. But honestly just change it up!
I keep thinking I’ll get back into riding more too, but maybe on my MTB. Part of my falling out of love with training/racing was the road riding just kept getting worse and worse with traffic, road conditions, etc. I loved long rides out in the mountains, but it’s kind of a pain to get there, etc. and long days on the trainer - let’s be honest - no one really likes those.
There is a ton of good advice here so I probably can’t add anything profound but I’ll drop my $0.02 to support what others have said.
Take time off of racing. Take a week (or whatever amount of time works for you) off the bike entirely. Reset. You like training. You might still like racing at at later date but at this point it’s not good for you. Time off can only help. Here’s the thing…I think you know this and that’s why you posted. Please take the feedback here as validation and take care of yourself.
This is not normal. I think that needs to be said.
Not to make you feel bad, but to make you understand that deliberately tampering with your brakes, or deliberately crashing and breaking your bike… to avoid a situation you are choosing to put yourself in… suggests something is wrong here.
In general your options are:
You don’t like racing. That’s ok. But then realize it and stop doing it.
You like racing but have a specific phobia or anxiety about something related to racing that you need to deal with.
Either way, your behaviors you describe here are quite dysfunctional and suggest something is very wrong internally.
It’s quite possible this will be beyond your personal ability to sort out, and you should speak with a psychologist in person.
