I apologise for the length, the self-indulgence and whiny tone. If anyone from my team recognises it or me, then mea culpa, I’m sorry, I’m trying.
I’m sat a few hours before leaving for the first local race of the year - just a 75 minute XCO - and I feel miserable. I felt miserable quite often when I have a bike race.
I find the day-in-day-out of the “Racing Season” just leaves me with this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach before a race. It starts about 36 hours before the event and peaks before I leave to go, sometimes just before the race. My poor girlfriend in her infinite patience tries to counsel me and tell me that it’s just a chance to go ride my bike in a new place - and I enjoy riding bikes, right? I’m in ok shape, I train a good bit and enjoy it (and so have an unhealthy sense a bit like we all do of where I sit in some percieved hierarchy) and I’m in a class of riders where I should be winning or on the podium most days. But there - I wrote it - it’s about this unavoidable “Should” of unhealthy expectation. What if I don’t live up to this should?
I find myself almost crippled by this fear of… something? I’ve sat in car parks before races throwing up into the gutter. I’ve intentionally crashed in warmups to break my bike so I don’t have to race the event. I’ve tampered with my brakes to make an excuse to my team-mates about why I can’t go - oh no! what a shame! I was really looking forward to it!
(whilst internally sighing with the weight falling off my shoulders).
This feeling is very specific to pure racing. It’s not fear of pain or suffering. I don’t feel like this when I think about going to do big events abroad - be it an ultra-endurance gravel race, the Gran Fondo Worlds or a big mountain bike stage race. And I don’t look back on it fondly, even when I’ve won, taken championships or ended up on the podium after a close race. I look at the trophies and just think “Well, I only won because x or y didn’t turn up”. They just fill me full of more expectation about how I should be performing.
When I think about quitting, I feel a sense of freedom. But I also look at the money invested (thousands in a lovely new bike, or two), the time invested in training 15 hours a week, and the fact that “being a bike racer” forms a part of my identity, and I sort of don’t know who I’d be without it. I think of my team and how they seem to love it - even the guys who will likely never be as fast as me - and are fighting for their 25th place - with such admiration.
Thousands invested in a sport you enjoy doing! That brings you a framework every single day, getting in that training. Nobody needs to justify their equipment by saying it’s for racing. If you knew someone who spent thousands on speakers and home audio would you look down on that person and wonder if he is SERIOUS enough about movies and music to own that gear?
I think everyone dreads the racing to a certain extent, and admires both the crew who seems to love it nonstop, and also the crew who do their group rides and make jokes about each other at coffee afterwards. Those guys especially, they’re done at 11am on the weekends, can go get some chicken breasts and be sitting in a chair watching the grill while you’re at the race feeling the beta alanine prerace drink on your face.
I think you know your answer. You don’t need to RACE to be a legitimate athlete. Why don’t you take a fixed amount of time off of racing and see if you really miss it.
The nerves and anxiety before a race is normal, I usually get them the week before and my wife knows that’s just how I am. You should just do the events you enjoy and quit competitive racing if you’re not enjoying it. Intentional sabotage to have an excuse for poor performance or not wanting to race is silly and I’m sure your teammates would love to have someone else that is more motivated.
Take a year off and see how you feel. If you miss it, go back!
I dabbled in racing, but realised I don’t enjoy it. It’s freed me somewhat from ‘having’ to have the latest and best stuff - because what difference does 0.1% faster make? - and I get to do what I enjoy. Ironically, I enjoy training and virtual racing indoors, and I use the outdoors for exploration and fun. Sometimes I’ll target a segment and get semi-serious (like, removing a headset spacer and wearing tighter kit serious, not ‘buy new aero bike’ serious!) but mostly it’s just riding and having fun. Road/gravel/bikepacking…there’s a whole world of bike riding that’s not racing. My advice would be to spend the race entries etc on a nice trip and do some riding for you where you want to.
Honestly this sounds like you really need to stop racing at least for a season or so. Having nerves is fine and all bit what you are describing is anxiety on an other level. Another way is to go see a therapist to find out what the underlying root cause is.
You spent a lot on bikes but you still can enjoy them outside of racing like you said with longer Fondo style events. Maybe after you took of some time from racing you get the itch again or maybe you just prefer a more relaxed type of riding which is great.
I get the nerves the morning of a race as well and I used to feel the same in other sports. Nerves are a good thing as long as they aren’t crippling because it means you care and helps with having that “race adrenaline” ready to go.
The weight of expectations however, is something that maybe you need to reframe in order to enjoy racing again. One can either think, “I’m one of the strongest people here today. If I don’t win, what will people think of me?” Or they can think, “I’m one of the strongest people here today. I have nothing to prove because we all know that already. I’ve shown it many times.”
If you’re at the point where you are sabotaging your own race, then I think you have your answer for now. Take a break. You can still ride fast anytime you want. Ride your local trails and go after some KOMs if you feel the need to compete without racing for a while. Or just do some gravel races and enjoy them. Nothing says you have to race xco just because you have before. Every summer I find myself going through stages where I feel like I only want to mtb for a couple weeks and then only want to ride road and then only want to ride gravel. In actuality, I probably wouldn’t want to only do any of them. The fun is mixing it up and doing all of them. Do whatever you think is fun whether that is solo rides, group rides, fondos, or races.
The main thing I’d say is that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling about it. I know people that are in the same boat.
If you don’t like it before racing, and don’t like it after racing.. unless you like it during racing, then you don’t like racing.
Nerves are normal. I had 2 crits yesterday and was dreading the second race (a bunch of pros turned up and I was going to get spit out the back and ride alone for an hour. Ugh!) But I still ended up having a blast. I like supporting the local scene. I like encouraging the young riders and offering lead outs for primes. My teammates are hilarlous and fun. If none of that sounds like your experienece… don’t race. Normally I spend a lot of time trying to get more people to come out and try it, but you’ve tried it. There are a lot of fun ways to ride bikes that don’t involve racing.
Lots of people need a race or event to help them be motivated. The opposite is happening here. If you like the race environment, but not the racing, you can always help support a friend or volunteer to help set up the course or be a course official. Offer to take photos of the riders…. Lots you can do and not compete in a race.
Bit if even just being there stresses you out, as others have said lots of people just ride their bike for enjoyment and not race. You don’t need to justify that you don’t race. Health benefits and lifetime fitness are enough to check that box.
If you WANT to enjoy the racing, the advice of maybe talking to a sports shrink sounds like an option.
If you are racing because you think you are supposed to like racing, then just stop racing. Go have fun the way you have fun.
I don’t really get pre race jitters for most events anymore, but they used to be a part of the excitement of the race, not because I was dreading it. It should be scary like a roller coaster, not scary like an impending doom.
Training hard and getting fit is an end result in and of itself. You can just be proud of being strong and fit.
Seems like part of your answer is in there already. Go do the events you enjoy. Or try to bring that mindset to your XCO stuff. For what it’s worth, those “big events” are the things I like as well. I seldom do USAC stuff anymore and generally don’t care for the vibe at those “more serious” races. I personally find the USAC racing/category structure a bit low on the fun factor and a bit toxic in some ways. Shouldn’t be a surprise when they are balancing the pro and amateur interests under a common umbrella, but there are other less structured umbrellas you can race under. There is plenty of competition at the big “non-sanctioned” events at the pointy end, but it’s a much more laid back vibe with more fun built into the venues and racing.
And for me, events are just the cherry on top of the training that I enjoy. I like to be competitive, but there are too many variables and too much out of my control at a race to get wrapped up in tying my happiness to results. In particular, you can’t control who else shows up and that has a huge impact on results. It’s like getting stressed about the weather, why burn energy/anxiety on something you can’t control? The only things that really bums me out in a race is getting hurt when it’s my fault or when I didn’t give a good effort (ie - ease off when I’m out of the mix, etc.). The rest of it falls where it falls. In the grand scheme of things, the results of an amateur bike race are mostly meaningless. I’m not putting food on the table with my results and I don’t have sponsors breathing down my neck. My family won’t love me more or less if I’m on the podium or crash out. I’d certainly feel some racing anxiety if I was a pro, but my main concerns in a bike race are to not crash and have fun. I’m sometimes a little nervous on the line of a big mass start due to the early melee and people doing stupid crap, but I’ve raced enough that it doesn’t get me too amped up any more (good or bad). Training and racing hard is fun and that will sometimes lead to good results and sometimes bad. Basically, I try to decouple the results with the fun I have racing and training. We’re all programmed differently and some people are so competitive that it’s all consuming, so what works for one person doesn’t work for others. But I’d be trying different stuff if I was experiencing what you describe.
Hot take but racing is kind of dumb IMO, way too much risk for some silly prize that’s usually not even worth the entry fee. You can still train and try to best your own PRs without any of the pressure
I would go away and work on this, as this statement is at the root of why you’re forcing yourself to do something that you don’t actually enjoy. I suspect very few people (certainly not your girlfriend, probably not even your team mates) would think any less or differently of you if you weren’t a bike racer but “just” somebody who rode their bike(s) a lot and did gran fondo and gravel type events instead of XCO.
FWIW you’re far from alone, I’ve also struggled at times with mistakenly associating my identity/worth with my bike riding and results and know many others who have also done this. In more extreme cases it’s ended up with them stopping riding altogether as they basically couldn’t handle getting slower (which comes to all of us eventually whether triggered by age, injury or less training time due to kids, work, etc). Bike racing is something that you do (or maybe something that you stop doing!) not something that you are.
It’s all about a balance between finding something that lights your fire vs. sitting around and watching life tick away around you. I can’t even fathom how people want to climb Mt. Everest or go base jumping, but I guess some people have a very high bar for excitement and challenge. I stopped racing crits after my last trip to the ER and dealing with vertigo for over a year after a bad concussion. I still love the rush and speed of racing bikes, but I’m more selective with events and I’m a bit more risk averse as I’ve gotten older.
It’s an odd dynamic as we age. When you are young and have your entire life ahead of you, you feel invincible and take stupid risks. As we age (and theoretically have less to lose), we tend to get more and more cautious even with things we are still physically able to do. You could say it’s because we get wiser/smarter as we age. But I see lots of people taking it too far and become extremely risk averse and seem to lose their lust for life and stop trying hard/risky things. I hope I’m still throwing a leg over my bike and lining up for events when I’m in my 70’s and 80’s, but the numbers say that very few people have the ability and desire to do it at that age. I think more people drop off due to desire than ability, but I’m not sure. Everything can get stale if you do it long enough, we need to find new things to light the fire as we age.
I’m currently in my 70’s, having raced up to my mid 50’s. Had to stop riding altogether for a period due to medical issues. These days, I enjoy pushing myself and training, but have no desire to pin a number on. I enjoy “non-competitive” events like centuries, etc. The beauty of cycling is you can get into real good metabolic and cardiovascular condition without risking joint problems.
I quit after 7 years of racing. I just didn’t enjoy the grind as I was spending 20+ hours on racing/training with a good portion of that driving to races every weekend.
After struggled and only rode like a couple of thousand of miles a year. I’d sort of get into shape in the spring and then slack off in the winter and it was never satisfying. I wish I had kept a hand in it doing centuries, fondos, and more fun stuff but just not every single weekend.
Maybe you should discuss the extreme anxiety with a professional? I’d have nerves right before a race but never days before. The stakes were low as I was never racing for anything big.
This is one of the things I really like about the non-sanctioned events. Whether it’s a smaller local gravel race or the big “bucket list” events like Unbound and Leadville, they have something for a wide range of participants and there is still a sense of community whether you are a pro fighting for a win in the elite field or someone who is partying at the back of the AG race (and everything in between). And I think it also softens the transition from trying to be competitive to just happy to participate and finish. I did a couple Lifetime events in the fall last year after my season was over and had a blast at both even with much reduced fitness and zero focus on results. I just like riding/racing my bike hard, should be fun whether competitive or not.
To be blunt. No. You do not like racing bikes. You like the idea of racing bikes.
I think this answers it pretty clearly.
I was with you feeling similar until this paragraph. I think you have some stuff to work through. I’ve shown up to races and questioned whether I even like racing. I’ve regretted signing up for a race when I feel great. But I’ve never purposely taken myself out of a race like this. This is some next level avoidance and might indicate some deeper unconscious feelings.
I used to think similarly as you. I’d sign up for a race. Train for it. Race it. But if I didn’t live up to my unreal expectations, that is, unless I won, I got upset. I was depressed and left wondering if I even like racing. Why do I do this? I’d be in a bad mood or just mentally give up.
It took a big mental shift and a refocus on why I was racing. I like competition. I like hurting myself physically. I love winning. But I realized that with cycling, I’m not going to win all the time. I’m not going to win most of the time. So I focused on other things that were both realistic and things I could control. I worked on my training. I can control how much I train. I can look at my progress and get satisfaction from that. I also started doing races that let me explore. I just raced the Tucson Bicycle Classic. Got smoked. Like, finished in the 70s for every race. But I got to leave my cold winter weather and get some riding in the sun. I got to explore a city I’ve never been to and eat at local restaurants. I raced courses that were new to me. And I got to climb Mt. Lemmon and eat a giant cookie from the Cookie Cabin. Was I even remotely competitive? Hell no. But I had so much fun.
Do events that aren’t races. If you do XC races, find a 6-hour race or something like that. Book a vacation around it in a new area, with the new location as the focus, not the race. Enter the Leadville lottery or Tahoe Trail 100. Or just ride for fun. Just because you have a nice new bike doesn’t mean you have to race it. Take a trip to Bentonville.
I think it’s really hard, but you have to give up your expectations. Or just give up the idea that you have to race. Take some breaks. Skip the race and just go ride. Bikes are supposed to be fun.
Yep, pretty much like everyone else, you don’t need to race. And you don’t need to race to justify nice kit. Racing becomes a whole lot more enjoyable when you don’t put expectations on yourself. Choose some other events. Or just ride. You can still train to be fast and fit on your own terms.
My Dad (who is now 80 and rides an e-road bike) spent 30+ years riding a road bike with the local club.
They had weekly club rides, they trained for and completed multiple centuries each year, and were fit, pretty darn fast, and had a blast doing it.
None of them raced and still had decades of fun riding!
I’ve done a bit of cyclocross, but I’ve never pinned on a number for a crit or road race and I probably never will. At least in cyclocross if I crash (which I have done) the chances of major injury are much lower than crashing on the road.
There’s other fast, competitive riding to do without the race scene. Grand Fondos, centuries, your local A group rides. What I like about cyclocross is that it’s balls to the wall for 45 minutes - then you’re done and eating cookies! Gravel, grand fondos, and centuries are often an all-day affair.
Time trials are short as well (compared to Gramd Fondo’s) and something I might look into once I get a bit fitter. They seem like a good way to stay competitive without all the madness of a crit or road race.
No need to put yourself through all that anxiety if it’s that stressful. You can be an awesome and fast cyclist without racing.
