It certainly helps to have a wife with 5+h/week hobbies of her own. 
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Let’s face it - spending 10-15-20 hours per week on cycling isn’t normal. 
And even if you only ride 10 hours per week, when you count pre-ride, post-ride, recovery time, reading the forum, and online bike shopping you easily end up at 15 or 20 hours per week.
I’ve never had a girlfriend with a significant hobby. I did have one serious cyclist girlfriend and that was great. My wife went to medical school later in life and that has been her “hobby” for the last 10 years. Now that she’s done, she doesn’t know what to do in her spare time but work more. We’re still working on that.
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Bike is life.
/thread
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Yeah true… I think that it might be more normalised in the Nordics though. I mean, we have the cycling culture where a huge majority in the cities bike to work. If you live in the city and work in the city, you don’t take the car to work, period.
And then there are lots of people who run to work as well, or just walk to work.
Most companies also have “health hour” once a week where you get 2 hour long lunch so you can work out
I understand what you are saying, there of course are people doing physical activity in all countries, I think that my point was just that from what I feel from living a little bit in the US, is that there is a big difference between being active sometimes, and living an active lifestyle.
I believe more people in the Nordics and Europe have active lifestyles, vs. many Americans just “being active” sometimes.
If that makes sense…
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I think the “red line” through this thread is that each person and family is different, and you must find a way that works for you.
To add my N=1 to the table:
Married, father of two (7 and 11), high demanding job (I do hate that expression, but as a project manager in a startup company, days are seldom equal and it’s no 9-17 job). My wife works shifts (including every third weekend) so I basically have to organize the kids every afternoon with activities, school, homework, etc. I also make dinner 7 out of 7 days (weekdays out of necessity, weekend because I like cooking), do all the shopping and pull my part of the chores around house (apart from garden work, as an allergic the garden could be paved for all I care…. 
). Wife’s shifts vary every week, so every day is carefully planned.
I was not an athlete when we met but started riding to lose weight when our oldest was on his way. So, in the last 10 years I’ve gone from fat couch potato, through active to what would be considered “an athlete”. So, how does this add up.
- TR plans FTW (structure, time effective)
- Firm days for wo’s (but I cut or move if “life happens”)
- Early mornings + late evening training
- Get up early every day (I’m lucky I do not need too much sleep even at 39)
- Limit weekend rides to a minimum
- Get used to riding alone, and really enjoy the times when you can join your friends*
*This has been the “hardest sell” to my riding buddies and the negative result is that they rarely ask me (I decline 9 times out of 10). But for me it’s been like this forever, so I actually enjoy some solo time. Most of my friends seems like they need to be at least two riders to even get out the door…
I have way less hours/kms each year then them. They often do 3-4 hour rides, I get perhaps one long ride a month during the outdoor season. The good thing (for me) is that I still crush them 
(maybe that’s why I’m not invited…. 
)
And just a comment to US vs. the Nordics. I live in Norway but have worked in the US. Granted it’s been almost ten years since I worked and lived in the US my impression is/was that gender equality in the US has a long way to go compared to Norway (broadly speaking off course). Men I worked with would still say “I bought my wife a car”. In most cases that would be unheard of where I live. Even my dad, born in the 50s, would never utter such a thing (and I do not come from a “progressive left” kind of family. That was just an example, but my impression was that the split between the provider (man) and caretake of the home (woman) was much more explicit than I was used to. And I lived in a high income, highly educated area (across the world this split is typically less with higher incomes and education for the population as a whole). I got to meet several younger, progressive, Americans through my work and cycling hobby and I did notice the pattern change. But it seems the work for gender equality is just a generation behind the Nordics.
Sounds like I’m bashing Americans, but I’m not. Wonderful, heartwarming, and open people. Quite the opposite of Norwegians. When travelling to California for our vacation we were Invited to stay in the house of a cousin of some friends we made on the East Coast. I can assure you, tha would NEVER have happened I Norway/Sweden…
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No, you are very correct. To over simplify: Americans prioritize work.
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…as a result of a dated work model where “time spent at office” is more important than output.
Yes, we in the Nordics prioritise work/life balance 
Office usually empty at work when I come in at 08:45 (pre corona), and started to get eerie at the office by 4pm since people left to pick up their kids from kindergarten
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I would say that UK, the Benelux, France and Germany sit somewhere in the middle of that. I remember being glared at in Copenhagen for daring to stay in the office after 4pm on a sunny July day. Conversely in France, no-one leaves until the boss does, even if they are just twiddling their thumbs (albeit with a guaranteed hour for lunch and several long coffee breaks!) My experience of the US is the same as yours - the amount of status placed on simply being present and taking as few holidays as possible would drive me insane if I were working there permanently.
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Yes I definitely see what you’re saying and I think you’re totally right about the ‘active lifestyles’ vs ‘being active’ comment. In many parts of North America you can’t even bike to work even if you wanted to because the roads aren’t set up for it, so yes I completely agree.
You have to take time out of your ‘other’ parts of your life to get active over here (in N. America), and it sounds like in Nordic countries its also a big part of your daily life regardless.
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I think the pandemic has and will make an impact on this mentality. Many companies are realizing productivity isn’t measured by hours at a desk.
I work for Target and we have one of the best work life balances of any corporation in America.
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… and Canada sits somewhere between non-Nordic European countries and the US. We have good parental benefits (1 yr leave that can be split between the 2 spouses, affordable daycare), and more vacations than Americans, but not as much as our European counterparts. I work with teams in the US, many European countries, and a few Asian locations; the comparisons in benefits and expectations are fascinating.
Well, i got to do my wo… Just had to wake up at 3.45 am
And now we are at disney world…
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Very much on board with this. My wife and I talk often about the importance of checking in, and not turning into solely co-parents.
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Interesting read, enjoyed the thread. I am a married father of 2 (6/8) and trying to stay that way.
I found it to be very challenging to be focused on sports or fitness when our kids were very young. My wife was dealing with some pretty brutal postpartum depression and little kids just need a lot from their parents. Was very difficult to carve out time for myself outside of my work or to be a reciprocal partner in a way that felt ok when I did. Ultimately, accepting that this time wasn’t the season for myself or sports to be the focus helped me a lot. Kids get a lot more self sufficient pretty quickly and time really does fly, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. I know this isn’t the same for everyone but learning to approach it all with the right mindset and expectations really helped me.
One mistake I have made in the past trying to make the time to train/race as well as work/dad was asking my wife for permission to do the things I wanted to do. On the surface it seemed like a good idea I guess but pushing the responsiblity onto my partner to make the decision was a crappy move. She knows how important it is to me and putting her in a situation where she felt responsible for deciding between my needs and hers created some bad feelings all around. Discussing the family wants/needs/schedule together and including my training and racing plans in a way that fits into that bigger picture is a lot more productive.
My wife is really supportive of all my goofy cycling endeavors but also places a high value on time spent with the family together. Me saying something like "but I am ok with you spending 6 hours riding with your buddies on Sunday if I get to go Saturday’ is almost completely meaningless. Making it clear that family time is also a priority for me and actively finding ways to spend quality time together during the week makes everyone feel better about the time I have set aside for my training schedule.
Congrats on kid #2!
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This. Since COVID my wife and I had gotten ourselves into a pattern that was almost like we were shift workers. We took turns working, watching the baby and toddler and taking care of the household. Different sleep schedules too. We hardly interacted with each other.
When we realized how bad it was, we made some changes and were able to get back some time together.
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Great read through this thread!
Married and dad(33) of two boys 4 and 7.
I am a baker and start work at 3am so morning workouts are out of the question. I finish work around 2pm so I do my workouts in the afternoon then it’s often dinner and bed around 7:30pm. I also work weekends and have days off midweek so it makes finding family time really difficult and I never feel like I spend enough time with them. I do my best to aim for quality over quantity.
While not a cyclist herself my wife is super supportive of me cycling and when I’ve asked her if she minds me spending 8-10 hrs a week on a bike she’s always replied “How can I not support something you obviously love doing.” She’s an absolute star.
Work is the dominant factor at the moment but hopefully in the next few years that will change and I can have more time for family and bikes!
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Wow… Never saw it the way… I do this, and probably need to change my ways…
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This is great- I think many couples miss that nuance (it’s not about permission, it’s about supporting each other). Here’s to avoiding growing resentment!
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This is such good advice and in large part mirrors my own experiences. I’d add three more points:
- I decided for myself that my priorities in life are family > job > cycling, and told my wife. I try to act accordingly, even though it isn’t always that simple. (I need cycling to keep me balanced mentally, for example.)
- Make sure to give your partner time off. My wife has become a gym rat after the birth of our daughter (to my surprise). She now goes three times a week and she has violin lessons once a week. I make sure to give my wife time off by e. g. taking care of our daughter and cooking dinner on these nights (I like cooking more than she does anyway). This not only works in the sense of a trade, but she understands much better that my time on the bike is like her time in the gym — we both need it for our physical and mental health.
- Prioritize sleep. Having enough sleep of sufficient quality will improve your life and your training. For example, since December I have had issues getting quality sleep, because my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. That put a lot of psychological pressure on me. So I reduced the training load and made my TR sessions therapy sessions for myself.
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This reply deserves more likes!!!
Applies to all aspects of life and goes beyond just spouses/partners.
“But… but… we agreed 10 years ago that…”
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