I realize this is worthless without pictures:
The motto of the manufacturer: More than just bestsellers. No kidding.
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And you don’t want to see their bib short collection either 
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If you wanna get under some people’s skin, wear a fake Rainbow World Cup Champ jersey.
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Ooooooh 
I confess (against my better judgement) that I really like the EF duck jersey. I think it’s fantastic.
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Not orange enough
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I don’t find that putrid. That’s a nice jersey!
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Hahah I have one I have never worn. Took it out of pkg but kept it. I love Rapha but a lot of designs lately are pretty terrible and merino wool based. Sorry not for me.
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I think the jersey could be improved by using a short-zip / pullover style. Could then get more detail into the navel region.
Talking of back sides, are bib shorts available? 
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The 2006 Cofidis jersey is pretty legendary. It’s 90% terrible and 10% cool in the same kind of way as meeting old farts skiing in their 70/80’s outfits, still rocking them, despite all new fabric and fit developments since.
The only caveat here would be as your post suggests, you’ve spent years cycling in team outfits already. If you’re >45/50 it might miss the irony a bit and be seen as totally serious. You’ll still be the one laughing the most and that’s what matters in the end.
This one screams IDGAF!
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…then there’s primal!
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Put syrup in your water bottles and you’re ready.
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Or, depending on the size, they add an appropriately sized beer belly.
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'Tis the season!
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Some great options there
This jersey just might eliminate drafting
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