Anxiety and depression

Hi all, seems like I hit another phase of depression recently. The first one has been around eight years ago and for the last five years I was doing fine.

Now with the ongoing covid situation things were not going well for the last three months. Work has piled up due to shutdown here in Germany and I ran out of energy at the beginning of the year. I found myself constantly tired, moody and not able to concentrate on work or recover from work stress over the weekend. Four weeks ago I went to see a doctor. A blood test was fine, blood pressure was a bit higher than normal, which scared me and made me running around nervously from time to time. The doctor took me off from work and suggested to see a therapist.

Riding and racing my bike has always been a huge help for me to overcome fears and anxiety. I feel I gained confidence also in everyday life. It helps a lot to have something that brings fun and keeps me distracted from negative things and thoughts.

I try to keep training right now to keep the structure even all events in spring/summer are beeing cancelled. Besites that there are not many distractions as all restaurants, cinemas, gymns are still closed and contacts are restricded. So I just try to enjoy riding the bike, doing strength and mobility work. I spent more time hiking and walking together with my wife.

I also started to use the headspace app that was recommended in the thread in adition to relaxiation excercises.

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Im really sorry to hear that, im currently supporting a friend going through similar. It truly is a battle.

I totally agree that the headspace app is great, I use the netflix headspace almost every day and encourage others to aswell. There is one episode on pain and it worked amazing at stopping my anxiety in its tracks.

Unfortunately for me the anxiety returned with a vengance. I wasnt allowed any diazepam etc and was put back on citralopram. This time it was so bad had to take a month off from work. I was upped to 30mg and after 2 months i evened out.

I tried edibles for a while at quite high amounts (up to 200mg thc) and it had zero effect on me.

I have for past month tried a full spectrum cbd oil and can tell a difference. Feel a little calmer and more normal. BUT I have had chronic pain in my knees for months and within 2 days on cbd oil bam completely gone!

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I hear you. I was doing fine through all this beer-virus - then hit what I thought was my normal wall in early November. Normally a couple of weeks off and I am ready to go again. Nope! Took weeks before I could sit on the bike (on rollers) for more than 10 minutes.

I can tell the depression is hitting hard too. Still can’t train. I am exercising - but not training. Zero desire to race. None. My family does not know what to make of that. (been doing it solidly for 10+ years). I focus on getting up, getting some sort of exercise in, doing my job at work and with the family (I focus on taking care of them), and not losing my mind.

When it starts to get a little warmer, I can run at O’dark-thirty outside. No way will I dreadmill at that hour. Ick. That should help. Hopefully non-sufferfest group rides will happen again soon too.

This - enjoy the time with your wife.

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Hi Thorstan
Good that your jumping in here, getting your thoughts and feelings down in writing can be a great help. Did you get to see a therapist ?

Had posted above about the Thrive program I went through, it was the first thing that put me on the path to good mental health or perhaps a better description would be that it gave me the tools to correctly manage how I manage my thoughts and feelings to situations and events.

For me it highlighted so much negativity in my thinking, speech and how I behaved. It did take several months of following the steps and tasks in the program, writing down your feelings and thoughts daily, recognising the positive things no matter how small and making a point of celebrating them.
It took some effort to reverse years of negativity that I had no clue was going on.
During one conversation with the Thrive coach about how I reacted to situations and how I spoke to myself ( we all have that internal voice) he said " basically you’ve been bullying yourself, why would you do that"
Hope you find your route to contentment

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Nur keinen stress🤪 klingt blöd.
War letztes Jahr im burnout/Depression, genau zu der Zeit.
Falls du Medikamente nimmst, die brauchen ein bißchen Zeit.
Headspace hilft, zwar subtil, aber es hilft.
Und bald kommt der Frühling, mit mehr Licht - geh hinaus!
Gute Besserung

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Thank you for creating this thread and thanks to all of the people who shared their experience. It makes it a bit easier to know that you are not alone and the problems you are facing are not something new. My depression came together with MS and gets worse when MS symptoms are stronger. I’ve been taking tecfidera and other meds, but the best for my condition is actually complex of meds, therapist and strict diet (no dairy, no alcohol, no sugar and gluten). I am also very lucky to have a supporting family which are always there for me, even on my darkest days.

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I think having underlying conditions can exacerbate anxiety and add a complexity that many can’t understand. I am still on 30mg Citalopram and feel 90% normal. Switched CBD oil which even though is stronger has been less effective. Diet and exercise have been a massive help but I have found Unmind app do a foundations to mental health course about 10 hours long that’s been excellent.

It’s funny I broke my ribs 6 weeks ago and it’s been hell I’ve told everyone I know how bad it’s been and everything about it but only told a few people about my mental health issues even though I would say that has been more painful and a bigger deal. The stigma around mental health is slowly eroding. Just speaking to people in life or online and being open about it so it’s not a dirty secret is really positive.

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I take lexapro and have for years. I believe I am at max dosage of 25mg a day

I don’t really remember much impacts but it was years back I was working with a human coach at the time and really don’t recall any issues.

Generally thou. 6 weeks is an adjustment period so don’t overreact to workout misses or things in that period. You might sleep more - but it’s your body catching up.

If you could time it - start the drugs for 2 weeks then have a recovery week fall on the 3rd week on meds and I bet the timing of high tss + max drug effectiveness would match up.

You be a better human and therefore cyclist in the long run.

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Well said. Similar feelings and situation.

I don’t have much experience with medication, so I have very little value to add here to your question. However, I have a lifetime of experience with depression and anxiety in general. Thank you for sharing your story. Just know that you are never alone

I am glad I found this thread. I too have been dealing with this for a while now. Been on meds almost a month.
Hurt a knee in December and took some time off… (I enjoyed the holidays and have gained almost 30 lbs) ARG. Turns out a lot has been eating as I was unable to deal with my emotions.

This is worth a laugh but it hit me hard. I deliver mail. I went up to a customers door and he came out with his toy poodle as he knows me. The dog was spazzing out so he put the dog down and he took the mail from me. The dog jumped up in the air… Bit my dick and held on until gravity took over and he could not hold on anymore. I was stunned. Could not move and was in pain until the dog let go. I told the customer that “your dog just bit my dick” and I walked away stunned and in pain.

Our office has a long history of harassing the mail carriers. I knew I had to phone and report the incident but also know I cant trust my management at all. In the end I knew I had to phone and told a supervisor what happened or I would not be covered if their was a problem. I trust this supervisor and have a decent relationship with all of them except the manager. We joked about it as it was awkward… I told her I would return to the building to use the facilities and check for damage.

So I get back to the building and the supervisor says Bree couldn’t believe that happened to me… I am thinking WTF? This is supposed to be private… She continues to talk and I stop her. I say I really need to go to the washroom. I check things out and its mostly ok, sore, but did not break the skin. I head back out to go continue my day and I get a text asking me to report to the boardroom and I am not in trouble.

I report to the boardroom and their are 7 people there. The manager (female), 6 supervisors (1 male) and three of the women I do not even know their names. The man gets up walks to a file cabinet and pulls out some company branded socks and apologies that they do not have a proper cup to give me so I should just put the socks on ( my dick) for protection. They are all laughing it up and making more jokes. I played along but was mortified, shamed, humiliated and angry. They had more than enough fun and I left and stewed for about 10 minutes. Then I went back and knocked on the door and looked straight at the manager and said its always funny till someone gets bit on the dick and left.

I told my wife about it that night and she was disgusted. Anyone of my friends in management have said that if this would have happened at their company someone would have been fired.

Here is the thing. I have asperger’s. I have a pattern of making excuses for others in these kinds of situations and blame myself. I told my wife that it was funny and there was no harm done. Well the other thing is it takes me 2-3 weeks at time to fully process things.

About 2 weeks later I slipped going into a business and grabbed the door jamb and when the door closed it crushed a finger. I was put on modified duties inside and started getting harassed multiple times a day by the manager.

About 3 weeks later I had a dream about the dog bite and the boardroom and woke up in a utter rage. I am glad it was 3AM and had about 5 hours to calm down before I went to work. I went to work that day in a decent frame of mind until I started getting harassed again. At that point I almost lost it, reported to a supervisor that I was leaving and have been 2 and a half months. I am working with someone to try and deal with the abuse I have had at work over the years and am now on meds. We have a grievance process and I recently received the paperwork that my grievance on the harassment to do with the dog bite was denied. I have also recently lost my income support through insurance. It has been a trying time.

My son had a new variant of covid about 4 weeks ago and it lasted about 5 days. My wife caught it from him and she is going into her fourth week of it. Headaches every day, lungs still congested, severe organ and kidney pain. I am hoping she is near the end of it. Other than a few symptoms here and there it seems I have missed it and have always tested negative.

Last week I was so broken I cancelled my training and put covid for the week. Then late in the week I got back on the bike and actually got all the workouts done. Its not much of an achievement but its something.

This week is better and I will continue to improve.

A dumb story to share but I feel a little less alone.

Life is a journey.

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I don’t mean to make light of your misfortune, but this was golden :joy:. FWIW, i think you spread a little bit of anti-depression here today with your story. Thank you for sharing brother. Stay strong

Hey when I share it among friends or in a setting that I choose it is funny as hell… To get forced into the situation I was in… well… not cool.

Glad you enjoyed it and thank you! :grinning:

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Thanks for sharing your story. I felt alot of emotions for you - none of them humour at your expense :heart:
I have worked with children with ASD for over 20 years and I don’t think people really understand just how challenging it is to make sense of the world (and as quickly as others do) for people on the spectrum.
I hope you can find someone to talk to who fully understands your needs and can support you getting through this difficult time.

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Thanks for your kind comment.

I find the overall experience quite funny at times or at least ridiculous. I have laughed with my friends often about it. These are people i am comfortable with. They are laughing with me and not at me. This is a much different situation than with my employer.

I am getting help. Just takes time.

Thanks again.

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An update. Off the meds. Cycling for health and mental health. Using cycling to manage dopamine levels. Just finished a 8 day 1600 km trip. Have appointments fir therapy and trauma therapy. Everything moving forward.

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